Fast Track Recruitment

The one where I become a TV pundit for the day

Posted by Mitch on 29th August 2014


I was clicking around the TV channels a few months back trying to find something that wasn’t about fat people or dieting, when I stumbled across a programme called ‘It’s Me Or The Dog’.

Normally I wouldn’t bother with this kind of stuff, but I saw this overweight boxer dog incessantly humping the leg of anyone that came within a few feet of him and I have to admit, it made me laugh. I’m not proud.

My laughter turned to wide-eyed amazement when I saw that this dog was also urinating literally everywhere as well as biting the children, refusing to go for walks, eating whenever he wanted and regularly taking a shit on the patio.

Part of his behaviour was explained as him “establishing his authority”.

And so the helpless saps who owned this canine equivalent of Louis XIV needed a ‘Dog Expert’ (along with a Channel 4 film crew) to come along and show them how to deal with the problem. All of which begs the question – how the hell do these pet owners manage to walk and breathe at the same time?!

Any dog that “established his authority” in my house would meet with my own version of establishing authority – namely a swift kick in the nads.

In fact, there’s an alternative Channel 4 show right there.

Dogs misbehave and someone comes round and kicks the dogs in the aforementioned nads. That would sort the problem out easily – and probably sort out the excessive leg humping too. They could call it ‘The Dogs Bollocks’. Maybe I’ll write in to Channel 4 and suggest it.

Anyway, then it got worse.

The dog’s owner, a fat bloke with a stupid accent, reckoned that castrating his dog would be same as castrating him. Oh, if only. This by the way, is a man who would regularly prepare the dog a meal of a 12-egg omelette (filled with butter, cheese and ham), followed by a banana yoghurt.

Not content with being fat himself, he wants to make his dog fat too. I’ve heard of dog owners subconsciously picking dogs that resemble themselves, but this was taking things to extremes.

The problem with programmes like ‘It’s Me Or The Dog’ is that it shows what is essentially a dumb animal, far too much respect.

What I think this programme needs is to up the stakes a little.

One idea would be to pop round to these idiot pet owners homes, take the dog and its owners hostage, hold a gun to both their heads and then invite people to phone-in and vote for who should get terminated.

That would be a lot more fun, be making a greater contribution to society and would slash the programme budget in half. Everyone wins.

It would also add some real meaning to the phrase ‘It’s me or the dog’.

This concept of reality television could be extended to all those incessant dieting programmes with titles like ‘Help, I’m Killing Myself By Eating Too Many Cakes’ where obese people are put in glass cage suspended over a big pile of chocolate profiteroles for a month. It could be hosted by David Blaine.

There could also be a new Celebrity Big Brother type show called ‘Who Wants To Avoid Pissing Me Off’, hosted by me, where tacky, gormless celebrities run around performing tasks that I set them – all of which would just piss me off even more, which would result in each of them getting ripped a new one at the end of each episode.

Everyone would lose on my reality TV shows.

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